TOEFL Writing
Though I conclude that building a large factory near my community is excellent, it is better to discuss possible advantages and disadvantages of whether building a large factory near my community or not. I will discuss about my position as follows.
First, the advantage of building a large factory near my community is to vitalize my community. After a large factory starts, the company which operates the factory needs a lot of workers of producing new products and hires many people near my community. It decreases the unemployment rate near my community and increase expenditure for goods per capita. Thus shops and restaurants near the factory get larger profit than before and the local economy is getting better.
On the other hand, the disadvantage of building a large factory near my community is to pollute environment near the factory. For example, if a chemical factory is build, it pours out toxic particles into the air. These particles affect not only our health but also our future posterity because these particles sink into the ground and exist for a long time. After many years, our children suffer from polluted ground and getting sick.
Considering these factors, I still think that building a large factory near my community is a better way than the other. This is because it gives us another advantage. It gives our community more revenue than before. People pay tax to local government. If the number of people increases, the revenue also accrues. Thus our community can get more budgets from local government and it can do some plans which improver our community’s situation. For example, if the community has enough money, they can install some devices which purify air pollution from the factory, such as air cleaner and toxic absorber. Therefore air pollution from the factory would be solved. The better environment is, the more people come to live in our community. It is a positive circulation. For all reasons, I mention that building a large factory is more attractive for me than the other.
(340 words)
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赤が添削箇所です。
(1st Paragraph)
Though I conclude that building a large factory near my community is excellent, it is better to discuss possible advantages and disadvantages of whether building a large factory near my community or not. I will discuss about my position as follows.
(2nd Paragraph)
First, the advantage of building a large factory near my community is to vitalize my community. After a large factory starts to operate, the company which operates of the factory needs→will need a lot of workers 削除 producing new products→factory workers and hires many people in and near my community. It will decrease the unemployment rate near (in the area) around my community and could increase expenditure (for goods) per capita.→per capita expenditure of our community Thus shops and restaurants near the factory would get larger profit than before and the local economy is getting better.
★展開、立証OKです。意味の明確性を若干損なう、やや不自然な表現や言語運用上のミスがあります。
(3rd Paragraph)
On the other hand, the disadvantage of building a large factory near my community is to pollute natural environment near the factory. For example, if a chemical factory is built, it will/would pour out toxic particles into the air. These particles affect not only our health but also ①our future posterity→our future generation/our posterity because these particles sink deep into the ground and exist for a long time. After many years, our children will suffer from polluted ground and be getting sick.
★よく展開しています。①の使い方に気を付けてください。Posterityは、「子孫」なので、未来の意味が含まれて、futureを伴うと、意味が重複します。
(4th Paragraph)
Considering these factors, I still think that building a large factory near my community is a better way than the other. This is because it gives us another advantage. It gives our community more revenue than before. People pay tax to their local government. If the number of people increases, more revenue also accrues. Thus our community can→could get more budgets from the local government and it can implement some plans which will improve our community’s situation. For example, if the community has enough money, they can choose to install some devices which purify air pollution from the factory, such as an air cleaner and a toxic absorber. If it really happens, air pollution from the factory would be solved. ①The better environment we have here, the more people could come to live in our community. It is a positive circulation. For all reasonsカンマ削除 I mention above, I conclude that building a large factory is more attractive for me than the other.
★内容が良く、展開しています。しかし、意味の明確性を少し損なう語や表現を選んでいる個所があります。
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それぞれの段落に含んでいる内容そのものは、加点要因で、なかなか展開していますが、言っ文法・構文のミスや、明確に意味が伝わらない表現がところどころにあり、言語運用上の減点を発生させているとともに、スムーズな展開を妨げています。全体的な評価としては、スコア３∔～４の範囲でしょう。洗練された語彙や表現は増えていますが、言語上のミスで相殺されているところもあります。さらに効果的な助動詞の使い分けも、添削で確認学習しておいて下さい。フォーマットをもっと使ってみると楽に文法や構文のミスを解消できます。
スコア４
評価４を与えられる解答は、おおむね次のすべてを満たしている。
- トピックに対して十分に答えてはいるが、詳細性に欠ける部分がある。サポートの詳細な意味が明確に伝わらないと、この評価になります。
- おおむねよく構成・展開されており、明らかに適切な事例、詳細を含んでいる。
- 統一性、発展性、および首尾一貫性を示すが、ときおり重複や脱線、関連性がはっきりしない部分を含む。
- 数多くの構文、適切な用語および慣用表現を使用しており、一貫して言語運用力の高さを示すが、意味をそこなう程でないにしろ、構文、品詞、慣用表現の間違いがときおり目立つ。
スコア３
評価３の解答は、次のいずれか、または複数の特徴を含む。
- 文を作る、または用語を選択する上で、言語運用力にばらつきがある。これにより明確性がそこなわれ、時おり意味不明になる場合がある。